2 months gone.

I’m not sure what to call this one. I’m not even sure what I came here to write. I just felt like I should do something. Every day I’m feeling sick to my stomach. I had a throat infection before your birthday and I was on an antibiotic so it could be that. But I think it’s just the sinking pain I’m feeling. It gives me lots of anxiety and I remember wanting to throw up the day we said goodbye. I remember the nausea and the fear and the pain. I remember locking myself in the family room first meeting with a hospital social worker and then my own therapist. I felt sick we had to say goodbye. I felt sick waiting for it to happen. I felt sick when it happened. They gave me a vomit bag and it’s sat in my purse ever since. Just last week maybe it fell out of my bag and daddy asked if I still needed that and I said no but now I regret that. I just want to puke. I feel so sick. So anxious, so angry, depressed. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever experienced.

It also takes me back to when you were born. The trauma experienced then. Remembering when my own oxygen was compromised. The fear I felt after of doctors and hospitals. The depression I felt for a few weeks after. I feel like that was wasted time now because every moment with you was so valuable since time was so short. I hate everything that says you died when you were one. Your death certificate. Legal documents. Even when I updated our family tree on ancestry. You were almost two and the 10 months after the age of one contained so much of your life story. Calling you one feels like it’s taking away so much of your life. Nearly, really- half of your life. It’s not like you were in your 90’s where at the end of it all you can talk about your journey through life in high school, college or university, marriage, career, children, grandchildren whatever and that 10 months would then seem so small. In your life it was growth, new milestones and lost milestones. Memories made. Fun experiences. I feel sick that the first 4 days of your life were wasted in the hospital because of me and doctors not paying attention. Then the following weeks and months was me working through trauma. I was taken away from you and your sister. Now I’m feeling sick and depressed and disassociated from everything again and I want to give your sister my all but I can’t. I’m so overwhelmed.

I still struggle with Church. We went to another Saturday night mass but my stomach started acting up before me left. I tried taking my meds but when I got there anger really started setting in and my stomach started getting really upset. I had so many emotions. Wanting some peace so I could be present for the mass, wanting to understand why my stomach was so bad and resort to the usual “hey God if you wouldn’t mind helping me out for 45 mins” but to also think “God doesn’t care about you and your problems he didn’t even save your child your stupid IBS shit is not his concern and you are on your own.” That was a chilling thought. If you are on your own and have to take control of everything yourself. But then that’s not possible because there are things in life that can’t be controlled by a human being anyways. Like what happened to your life. So then there must be someone bigger than us controlling something? So now I’m just back to anger.

Your birthday was beautiful. So many people came out. Working up to it was hard. We really wanted to do it but we also felt so miserable doing it. I kept telling myself you deserved it. The day was lovely and felt joyful which is what we hoped for for you. There was the underlying sadness but people had good times celebrating you. Kids had fun playing together and family and friends were happy visiting and being together. We went to the cemetery and sang Happy Birthday with your chocolate chip panettone. We blew bubbles with all our love to you in Heaven. Riley read Dr. Seuss Happy Birthday to You, to you and everyone there. GiGi and Great Papa got to come too. Then we had a party with more family and friends at our house. It was Bluey themed. We order 100 McNuggets and a bunch of fries explained why and they gave us a bunch of happy meal boxes and all the packaging so the kids could make their own Happy Meals. Some of our NJADS family had a star named after you in your star sign the Gemini. We’ve got a map and the coordinates so we can take it to an actual observatory and have them point us to the right one. Our loot bags contained things that meant something to you and we put bookmarks in them explaining why we chose what we chose. The kids swam and played Bluey themed games but also just played whatever they felt like. I went overboard on balloons because I have so many memories of you playing with balloons and laughing. The hardest part of it all was the end. When everyone was gone. I started going through the pictures and the pain of you not in your own birthday pictures hit. The evening was painfully quiet. We watched Boss Baby and eventually just went to bed early. I hope you had a happy heavenly birthday Charlie.

I started my Monday therapy session quite strong mostly held together. Cried a bit. Sounded like I was coping as well as any normal person can. Then I went in the afternoon for a massage and the quiet in the car (despite music) had me start to crack. I got in to see my RMT (who also happens to be a reiki master and I have a reiki story about our journey with Charlie and Reiki in his last weeks for another day). I saw her and I started tearing up. We got into the room and she held me while I cried on her shoulder for a bit. I can’t really explain the session. It ran over on time for sure and all of a sudden during the whole thing I was bawling uncontrollably with so much to say. And she had so much to say. Things you wanted me to know. Reassurances you were with me and when and when I missed them. I can’t believe how hard I was crying and how vocal she was. She doesn’t get pushy with her reiki I only found out she did it after I had been seeing her for years and said that I never feel the same if I see any other deep tissue practitioner. She seems to always be in tune with what I need even when I think I know what I need she often finds other areas that need attention. So when I asked what is different she told me she sometimes uses reiki to guide her.
This time she had so much to say and she apologized she said she just felt she had to say it. I haven’t heard her talk that way. It didn’t really sound like her.

Anyways the wall broke down and I thought that was a good thing. I thought I got out the emotions that maybe got buried away but the last two weeks since then I have been so miserable. The doctor actually prescribed a stronger anti-nauseant just in case gravol can’t help. I’ve also got some req work for bloodwork and an ultrasound on my knee. She things that despite drinking at the very least 2 litres of water a day I am dehydrated and depleted of vitamins and minerals and that’s what’s making me sick. My grief is indeed in her belief the cause of me feeling so sick.

Saturday was a busy day this week. We had a parade with the dance studio. The Ancaster heritage parade. Do you remember when we did that last year? You and Daddy walked with us. Daddy handed out postcards while pushing you in the stroller behind the dancers. Riley danced and I did photos and social. You chewed away on a new teething treat that you loved it looked like a dog chew lol but it was apple flavoured. There are a few photos of you chewing on them around the studio.

This year it was just me. Daddy and Riley drove me there and were going to go get groceries. But traffic and road closures had daddy make a wrong turn and he kept driving eventually realizing he was driving to the cemetery. He and Riley came to visit you. I’m glad they did since Sundays are usually our days and it rained today. Eventually they came back to pick me up and help deliver a huge sign the staff and I had made for Miss Amanda. They also brought water and popsicles for all the dancers.

Then we headed to Isabella’s first birthday party. Auntie Jess told me a few weeks ago we weren’t expected to be there because she thought it might be hard on us. At the time I was like no no it will be fine. But honestly it was hard to get myself to the parade. It got harder wanting to go to the party. It was one of those weird moments again like when we planned your own birthday. We wanted to do it because its a big day for Bella but we were very heavy hearted. We got there late. Leah noticed I had your picture on the back of my phone and asked about it. Later I was sitting with Nanny and Auntie and Isabella and Bella picked up my phone and pointed at you and said ‘dar’ and I said “yeah is that Charlie” “dar” then pointed at me. dar she said over and over and Nanny and I kept saying your name. she turned it around and saw you on my screen too. She did it again. Eventually I was crying enough I had to go wipe away my tears and blow my nose but I’m told she hugged my phone too.

We all got to make a scrapbook page for Izzy. So on our page I put the picture we took with the instax camera where my phone back was facing out but you can’t see you. Then I took the card that was in the back of my phone case that Izzy noticed and I glued it onto the scrapbook page too. We had more at home so she could have that one. We had a lot left actually after your funeral. Tia had come over one day and spotted it and said she never got one. She didn’t know they were out there! That’s probably why we still have 100 of them lol. Daddy and I and Charlotte and Uncle Jonah all have it on the backs of our phones. The poem was beautifully you.

You know what I hate Charlie? is you have cousins who won’t remember you. Reece and Racquel never got to meet you. Evie and Tenley likely won’t remember you more than the fact that they know you existed. Emmy, Izzy, and Harlow won’t remember you. If Harlow had come the day she was due…you two never would have met. Sure it may have happened the way it did for a reason but there’s still no reason you should have been taken from us in the first place. All any of them will remember is what we show them and tell them about you.

When we were waiting for our goodbye I told my therapist that after this happened I can’t imagine I will ever get out of bed again. She told me if I needed to do that she’d be okay with it because she knows it wouldn’t last long and it’s not who I am or how I cope. For weeks I proved her right. But now I’m getting tired. Now I’m feeling so much pain I’m afraid of it so I want to stay in bed. I am going to bed earlier. I am taking naps not only because I feel sick but because I don’t know what else to do. I just don’t want to feel this. I’m scared of the rest of my life feeling like this. It’s such an empty awful feeling of just existing. To think I may have 50-60 years left of my life if I live like my grandparents and live into my late 90’s, I will have a life time of memories with so many people. but only two years with you.

Bed sucks because it reminds me I don’t get to hold you in your sleep anymore. But bed is the only place I can fall asleep and not feel the pain. Sometimes I have random dreams that feel ultimately happy like you are still alive I’m just not doing whatever activity with you. For example I dreamt of trying to get Miss Amanda to subscribe to the adobe creative suite. I discussed with Daddy what features he thought might be useable to Miss Amanda. and the dream carried on like you and Riley were in another room or something. The closest dream I had that actually had you in it was Friday morning. I dreamt you had rolled over in bed and kicked your foot in my face. I was so happy it felt so real and I grabbed your little foot and gave it all the little kisses holding your leg feeling the softness but then I woke up to your sister waking up. I went back to sleep and you were gone. You haven’t come back since. I wish you would. I wish you would talk to me instead of sending messages through other people and things.

Oh the world is on fire by the way. Yeah. Wildfires across the states and Canada in places usually to cold and wet to have wildfires but here we are due to climate change. We lucked out for your birthday that it was clean air because the rest of the week was spent indoors with AC running because there was so much smoke in the air. I actually read on the mito Canada page that the smokey air can be a big problem for people with mito diseases and in retrospect I can see why. I imagine it would not have resulted in anything good for you if you had been here anyways. You were never happy inside either so it would not have been a lovely week for you. All this though, losing you, watching the world burn, it really gets you feeling like you might be having an existential crisis.

Daddy read a book that the hardest parts for parents in the grief process seem to be at 3 months and 2 years. Yesterday was two months. How much worse can three months get?

God saw you were getting tired
and a cure was not meant to be;
so He put His arms around you
and whispered,
"Come to Me."
With tearful eyes 
we watched you suffer and
watched you fade away;
although we loved you dearly;
we could not make you stay.
A golden heart stopped beating
hard working hands to rest;
God broke our hearts
to prove to us,
He only takes the best,