Time

Charlie, I’ve had a few thoughts I’ve wanted write but I’ve been getting headaches daily this week. It seems my pain has moved from my knee to my head and my gut but it never leaves my heart.

I also have sat down and struggled to decide which of these thoughts I wanted to talk about. This morning I realized they all tie back to the same thing: Time.

“That’s okay there’s always next year” until there’s not. Charlie before you we did get pregnant. And within a very short time, before we had a chance to really celebrate it and share it with people we lost it. Then mommy found out I had developed antibodies in my blood that could harm the next pregnancy. So while carrying you we were naturally very nervous. Even after the 3 month mark we couldn’t be confident you were safe because there was a risk of my body deciding to attack you. Fortunately as the antibody level started to rise it was right at the end and you decided to come early.

It’s funny, or maybe not so funny, but as a parent once you have the baby a sense of safety starts to settle in. You’ve arrived now healthy and safe. Yes there are still other anxieties that come ie. SIDS or in our COVID world you were born into that was a fear too. The older you get though the safer we feel. When things don’t necessarily go as planned we said that’s okay we will try next year but we didn’t get next year.

You were named after your Great Papa Chuck (Charles) and your middle name Gunnar was from your grandpa Gunnars. It also sounded cool together and tied in with the fact that Great Papa was a gunner in the war in a Halifax bomber similar to the Lancaster bomber that flies over us here in Hamilton often. There are no flyable Halifax bombers now but having flown alongside the Lanc it has meaning to Great Papa as does the Canadian Warplane Heritage Museum having been a part of the RCAF. We have a beautiful sign with your name across a Halifax silhouette in blue and red to represent the RCAF that hangs above your bed. We celebrated your birthday next to the Lancaster at the museum.

Mommy has made a cake for Riley every year since her second birthday and it’s always been something fun and themed (the first year someone I knew made a fun themed one before I discovered I liked doing it myself). I wanted to do an RCAF/Airplane themed one for your 1st birthday unfortunately because it was at the museum it needed to come from a place that was public health certified so we ended up with a Fortinos cake. I remember being mostly okay with it because I’d just make you a fun one for your second birthday. You wouldn’t remember it anyways. Then you weren’t here for your second birthday. And you won’t be here for the rest.

While we were pregnant with you the Disney store closed across Canada. We bought a few items as a little piece of history and we grabbed for you a pair for swim trunks with Grogu on them. Funny then we didn’t know how much you’d like your Grogu stuffy and a Grogu chair you would get. The only size they had left was an 18-24 month one but we figured it would fit you by the summer of 2022 and if not there was still the summer of 23. The summer of 2022 you were still quite small and by winter your were still fitting into 9-12 month clothing. We had to have custom pants made for you because you were slimmer than you were long. I was starting to wonder if you would get to wear them this year. But I figured that’s okay maybe next year until I learn there was no next year for you.

We talked about going to DisneyWorld before the 50th Anniversary but since I was just getting back from mat leave the timeline to save money was kind of tight. Daddy suggested we plan a shorter trip but I wanted a long one. We went for 10 days last time in 2020, not on purpose, but because our flights got cancelled so we had to add days. It seemed like the perfect amount of time to get in what we wanted to do at an easier to manage pace. I wanted to give you the same experience because I knew you tired quickly and I wanted to have lots of time to also rest. I loved the idea of you seeing Mickey. In the end we decided to wait. Disney had gotten more complicated and expensive. So maybe next year so we can save and have a full blown experience and you will enjoy it more.

Last week we decided to go for it. Time is more precious than we could have realized. We booked a trip with you in mind. We will bring you in our hearts. We booked it for Easter weekend, we needed to be somewhere magical next year as we go through a season that no longer brings us hope only pain. We’ve changed our plans around a bit already as the reality is we still face Easter celebrations there, and we will see children your age and daddy’s and sons bonding in Galaxy’s Edge and toddlers in awe over Mickey. Riley is old enough now that some of that magic is lost and we realized we may find ourselves needing the quiet of our room/resort more than we care to admit. We had planned on Art of Animation which we had done before but switched to Caribbean Beach where as we understand it the families that stay there tend to have older kids or it’s adults staying there. The feature pool is closed that week which kinda sucks but again it means it will be less of an attraction to younger families. But we still want to take you there. Even if we can’t see you with us.

A thought I’ve been processing lately of if I could go back in time and do this all over again would I change anything? The answer is pretty much no. Because now that it’s confirmed you had Leighs, any kind of change wouldn’t have changed the final outcome but it would have changed the life you had. If it was something we knew before you were born we absolutely still would have had you that wouldn’t change anything for us that way. What would have changed if we had known earlier is the fear we would have lived in through your life. The extra precautions we would have taken that would have kept you from living the fullest life you could in the two years we had with you. No travelling to places like Sauble Beach, Santa’s Village avoiding busy places like Blue Jays games, Wonderland etc. We probably wouldn’t have risked taking you into the dance studio with so many germ filled kids. I might have even switched to working from home to avoid bringing things home.

Two years ago today you met GG and Great Papa for the first time. When we talk time you’ve got three great grandparents that probably didn’t expect you to get to Heaven before them. I know GG has a hard time. She’s lost her parents, her siblings her best friends, most of her sight and and most of her hearing. Now she’s lost you. In some weird ways though I’m comforted that they are still here. While I know you would have been greeted by our family who have gone before I have a hard time thinking about how long we have to wait to see you again ourselves. How long you have to wait for us to join you. If I follow in the footsteps of 3 of my grandparents I’ve got a long way to go. But I so vividly can see GG when she arrives. It’s a weird thing to think of. I see her happy to see her family I hear Uncle Gord laughing, I see Auntie Matsy hugging her and I see you. I see GG seeing you. I hear her voice all choked up saying “Oh Charlie” and I see her holding you for so long. I see her telling you how much you are missed and I see her whole again finally seeing you clearly and seeing how truly beautiful you were.

I have no doubt Nana and Great Papa will be thrilled to see you too but when I think about it, all I want is Nana to hold Sandra. I’ve only missed you for 2 and half months and I would never let you go again. Nana deserves to hold her daughter for so long. She’s carried on for a long time without her.