I’m honestly not sure Charlie what I came to write tonight. Every so often lately I come here but I don’t write anything. I know it’s been a while. I think to some degree I’ve moved to talking to you where I can. So this is becoming more of a place to let people know where we are at versus a place for me to write to you. Or maybe even less of a place for me to write for me.
Which is a little weird to say. In all honesty a lot of times I wrote on here it was because I was in so much pain I needed to get it out. I also sought the validation I got from others commenting and replying to the posts.
I wrote 2 weeks ago a blog one day asking people to stop calling me strong and brave but I didn’t post it. It was a little harsh. It sits in my drafts. I still think about sharing it. I found a few more groups on Facebook of moms who are grieving and they all seem to share the same thought that being called strong and brave actually hurts more than it helps. In short it feels dismissive of the pain we experience. It’s often when we express our pain someone tells us this. Honestly though the things I do are ways to distract myself from the pain in hopes it gets me through the end of the day. Or ways to tell people I’m actually not okay and I do need help. There- thats a shorter kinder less upsetting version.
You know we went to Sauble Beach again with the Tuck family. The trip was booked and paid for before you left. Daddy thought taking time away from the house would be good and that Riley would love it being with her cousins. I didn’t want to go. At all. We’ve been going there nearly every year for 30 something years. We went last year with you and it was wonderful seeing how happy you were.
This year I hated it. Sure there were small nice moments but overall I didn’t want to be there and I kept hoping someone else would want to go home so I could go home. If Auntie Jess had left earlier I would have hopped a ride with her. Mornings and evenings I spent a lot of time upstairs in our room crying, listening to music or just sleeping or scrolling endlessly on social looking for quiet distraction. One of your cousins noted that the only guys there were Daddy and Uncle Adam so she said multiple times there are only two boys here. It’s two boys and all girls. There are no boys in our family. Each time was like a stab in my heart. I made a video while we were away of you at Sauble. I’ve come to really like Ed Sheeran’s music. He has a few songs about grief that really express it. “Eyes Closed” is my favourite though.
See the video here
I could go more into the trip details but honestly Charlie, I don’t have it in me. Since the cottage I sleep until 10:30-11:00 and I’m miserable all the time. I try to take Riley out and have a good time but it’s hard. She’s changed a lot too. She’s grown up now so what she used to enjoy doing isn’t the same. Some of those things I could get away with doing with her because she’d love that she could do it with you. (ie. library activities) but now those aren’t her thing. It’s weird because she’s grown out of stuff but it didn’t bother me before because you were growing into things but you never got a chance to grow out of them and it was just cut off. So that’s it now. The last time I would be taking my kid to hang out in the summer at the library and do the scavenger hunts and kids activities on a regular basis is gone and I didn’t even see it coming.
We also just seem to be struggling communicating. It seems so easy for me to upset her but she connects fine with Daddy. Which I know happens. She’s always gone through phases and I know thats a thing with kids where for a stretch its more mom then it’s more dad. But at least I had you still needing me and wanting me. Now I just feel lost and useless.
I don’t even want to do anything anymore. Nothing interests me. Not writing. Not dancing, not drumming, not watching TV, not working (I still have Show 4 photos to edit and post from recital), and not being outside.
I guess I shouldn’t say nothing. I painted a picture while we were at Sauble of the beach. It actually turned out surprisingly good. The intention though was to add you and daddy into it with you testing the water edge on your toes. I did add it. I’m not good at people. It’s kind cute but it might have knocked down the appearance of skill level a bit. Not that I ever really did painting before so I mean it’s pretty decent still.
I also finally picked up the switch to play Disney Dreamlight Valley, the game you used to like to play. So I’ve been doing that a lot this week.
We’ve all had some really tough days though. It was 3 months on the 10th. I could tell you about the time I fell apart at the grocery store when I was by myself. I started hoping Poppa would show up because I didn’t want to be alone with all the strangers anymore. Then I told you that as I left and rounded the corner to the parking lot and there he was. “Daddyyyyyy” I cried and fell apart. I can tell you about the time I checked out at a store and mostly stared blankly at the cashier long enough that I could tell she was watching me to see if I was okay. This is becoming more common.
I could tell you about the buttons we made to help with those situations and are hoping to sell for families grieving.
The shop is here on Etsy for now. You can click the picture below:
Getting in to the details though feels hard. Which is not very Dani like.
I’m not okay. We’re not okay. Daddy and I both agreed that this 3 month mark is really hard. It hurts so much. This is the time the world starts going back to normal everyone just anticipates you doing normal things. Or tells you it would be good for you. When actually they are increasingly painful.
Daddy read a post where someone asked them what the grief was like and the person responded imagine how you’d feel if your child died. Now imagine it happens every day. Because every morning you wake up it comes right back.
There’s a move The Rock is in. I forget which one it was we watched it recently. Ryan Reynolds has a short appearance in it. Where he tells the character that the person they are after is so strong she stabbed a person through the heart with a brick and he asked how that’s possible. I realized though it felt like a weirdly accurate description of the pain. It’s not sharp and pointed it’s wide and heavy and blunt and feels like a great deal of pressure went through my heart and through my body. My heart didn’t just shatter or split in two. It imploded. Now I’m trying to find what pieces still exist so I can patch it together for Daddy and Riley.
Also the craziest things can make you cry. Or just hurt. Some times people are surprised when I get upset about something because they are like oh wow that triggered you. So I started taking pictures of things that triggered me. I had the idea to make a video of all the things. I haven’t made I yet because I know there are more to come but honestly it’s things like I almost spilled some borax on the floor and panicked because I didn’t want you to come in contact with it. We got a new couch just two-ish months after you are born from the Brick. Nanny and Poppa warned us that the couches from the brick don’t last long but we got one there anyways. Now it’s falling apart. The material has gotten thin and I could feel where I sit my seat caving in. Today Daddy pushed in the ottoman/pull out part and a spring from the above part had fallen out and ripped the top of the pull out. So now we are looking for the warranty. But I also don’t want to get rid of it because it holds you. It holds your memories, it holds the crumbs from your snacks, your drool from your naps. So now I’m pissed it only lasted two years. It lived as long as you did and you both should have had a longer life.
I guess I did have stuff to write in the end. I’m going to go to bed. Last night I finally dreamt about you. We were playing. You were talking to be but I don’t remember what about. I’m just happy you were talking. It wasn’t really your voice it was like mine if I was trying to sound like a kid. I hope I see you in my dreams again tonight my baby. I love you always
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