Sometimes, Quiet is Violent

See, Mommy is still finding Twenty One Pilots lyrics.

It was so accurate on Wednesday. Daddy went back to the office for the first time since we took you to the hospital. Wednesdays were always Mommy and Charlie days since Riley was at school and Daddy was at work. For a stretch we would go to the studio for a music class after we’d drop Riley off to school. It was right over your nap time though so you only ever half participated. You would be most interested when you had a chance to use an instrument. You weren’t really all that interested in the singing. When we weren’t in music class we were snuggling for your morning nap.

So this Wednesday was sooooo hard. For starters the last Wednesday Daddy went to work was the day we took you to the hospital so the harsh reminders and vivid memories of the beginning of the end hurt so painfully for all of us. Then there was the quiet after Riley went into school. “Sometimes quiet is violent”  it hit before I even left the school parking lot. I walked Riley to the door instead of the kiss and ride. Then I got back in the car and looked into the mirror and saw your empty seat and broke down into tears. I finally got it together to drive home. When I got home though I just sat there in the car and cried. Then I got out but I couldn’t get into the house. I found myself bracing on the car. When I finally got in I fell to the floor screaming. Screaming for you. Like if I called you loud enough and painfully enough you would just reappear. Then I started screaming at God. Begging for an answer to the question why? I ate breakfast and watched TV. Miss Kelly said I could come to her house but I had such a bad migraine (the crying didn’t help it) so I couldn’t drive down there and I just went to bed. I hate everything so much these days. The quiet was awful. Thoughts began to swirl around in my brain. Tyler Joseph says: 
“I hate this car that I’m driving, there’s no hiding for me
I’m forced to deal with what I feel
There is no distraction to mask what is real” 
These words screamed to me. Your sister and I got drums. Nothing too expensive. I learned that Long and McQuades sells used ones and I needed something to hit and to make noise and you loved doing that with your drums or pots and pans so we headed down there last Saturday to check things out. I’ve followed along with some online lessons and so I played along to Car Radio by Twenty One Pilots on Wednesday.  I can’t play the actual drum line that Josh plays because it’s way too complicated still for my new skill level but I kept a satisfying rhythm. I need to call around for lessons. I think I might see if I can do that on my Wednesdays. 

We went to the studio for Riley’s musical theatre class that day too. It was hard so I hung out in the store with Miss Amanda away from the crowd. Did you know they are grieving you too? Why does that feel strangely comforting? I mean our family is grieving but so many of our friends are too. It makes it feel less lonely. They’ve been playing a little game hiding little treasures around for the kids to find to try to cheer everyone up. Tiny babies, rocking horses and duckies. Riley loved it and wanted to find more babies. Miss Amanda has been working on a special project idea to keep your memory alive. Something to remember your “untapped potential” as Daddy described it. We like it. But it hasn’t been shared yet so I won’t say anything more here about it. But it meant a lot. 

Maybe the answer to why will come. I keep thinking back to Father Dave saying that 2 weeks before Easter you entered into your own passion like the Passion of Christ and leaving us on Easter Monday. It wasn’t fair that Christ had to suffer for us and it won’t be fair that you had to suffer for whatever purpose but there has to be a purpose right? Faith is a weird thing right now. There’s anger, there’s doubt there’s, begging and pleading and praying and thanking.

I don’t know. I hate all of this. 

———————–
Car Radio – Twenty One Pilots (your sister has always liked this song too but for the drums I think)

I ponder of something great
My lungs will fill and then deflate
They fill with fire, exhale desire,
I know it’s dire my time today.                *Why do I think of you in the hospital?*

I have these thoughts so often 
I ought to replace that slot with what I once bought
‘cause somebody stole my car radio and now I just sit in silence.

Sometimes quiet is violent
I find it hard to hide my pride is no longer inside
It’s on my sleeve, my skin will scream
reminding me of who I killed inside my dream
I hate this car that I’m driving there’s no hiding for me
I’m forced to deal with what I feel,
There is not distraction to mask what is real 
I could pull the steering wheel.

I have these thoughts so often
I ought to replace that slot
with what I once bought
‘cause somebody stole my car radio and now I just sit in silence.

I ponder of something terrifying,
‘cause this time there’s no sound to hide behind,
I find over the course of our human existence 
one thing consists of consistence,
and it’s that we’re all battling fear,
Oh dear, I don’t know if we know why we’re here
oh my, too deep, please stop thinking
I liked it better when my car had sound
There are things we can do
but from the things that work there are only two
and from the two that we choose to do
Peace will win and fear will loose
There’s faith and then there’s sleep
We need to pick one please
because faith is to be awake 
and to be awake is for us to think
and for us to think is to be alive
and I will try with every rhyme
to come across like I am dying
to let you know you need to try to think

I have these thoughts so often
I ought to replace that slot with what I once bought
Cause somebody stole my car radio and now I just sit in silence.

(super cool emotional sounding bridge/breakdown here)

And now I just sit in silence
And now I just sit in silence
And now I just sit
And now I just sit in silence
And now I just sit in silence
And now I just sit in silence
And now I just sit……..

I ponder of something great
My lungs will fill and then deflate
They fill with fire, exhale desire
I know it’s dire, my time today

I have these thoughts so often, I ought
To replace that slot with what I once bought
‘Cause somebody stole my car radio
And now I just sit in silence