If you’ve been following our journey on Facebook or GoFund Me that’s probably what directed you here.
People have asked me to keep writing but it didn’t seem appropriate to keep using the updates page on GoFund Me and Facebook just didn’t seem like the right platform forever so I have looped back to an old blog page. This blog had lots of purposes. It first was used to document the journey of Ivars and I through our engagement. Then it was used to document the first year of Riley’s life. All happy things.
Now it’s being used for grief. I hid the old posts and I’m using this now to share my thoughts when I’m in pain.
Things make no sense. Life makes no sense anymore. I have all this free time and I don’t like it. It isn’t supposed to be free time. This is supposed to be my time with you.
I’m not even crying anymore. I just feel exhausted and so very confused. I can’t understand how it’s been 3 weeks since I took you into the hospital. I can’t understand why you never came home. I think I’m back in that denial phase.
I forgot I had an appointment today about my sleep. I told the person that none of the sleep stuff seemed relevant anymore and why so we cancelled our appointment. She sent off a note to our doctor. The doctor called back. The hospital hadn’t sent any information so she had no idea you spent two weeks there and that you were gone. The next thing I knew I was giving a short recap of what happened but my head was vividly remembering it all. What ifs began taking hold.
I remember getting there and trying to find parking and noticing in my mirror you looked like you were losing consciousness and terror hitting me. There’s a few dings on the car that we noticed since being there and it may have been from me trying to squeeze in a tight spot by a pole in the garage. I didn’t think I hit anything but who knows. I would have done everything to save you. I remember you not freaking out when we got on the elevator. You hate elevators. I remember telling the triage nurse that. I remember him asking if the colour of your skin looked normal and I said no he looks green. I remember him calmly checking your vitals then telling me he wanted to go to another room with a more accurate machine. As we walked into that room I noticed the door said resuscitation room. He hooked you up to another machine and before I knew it the room was full of people. Some were residents. They were asking questions and giving you Ventolin and trying to get you to tolerate the oxygen mask. That was the first time you fought anything that day. I remember seeing Daddy find us… I remember staring at him with fear. I remember that the last time I saw you conscious you were terrified.
I tried to reassure you. I tried to let you know we were there and this was going to help you. I don’t imagine you could understand that though not just because of age but also because of the oxygen level at that point. I hate to think you were wondering why we weren’t stopping these strangers. I hope that your last memory of us was not that.
I feel like I want to keep writing but I just don’t even know anymore. Everything feels wrong. Riley noticed it too. We tried going to the movies yesterday and indigos and she fell apart in both places. Saying those exact words at Indigos. Nothing is right everything feels wrong. I don’t want to have time to write. Having this time hurts. You and I should be snuggled up having a nap right now. I’m exhausted so I’ll probably have one but it won’t be a good one. It hasn’t been since you’ve been gone.
Today just feels like a day of repeatedly saying “this makes no sense.” Littered with curse words though. Saying “I don’t get it”. Saying “It’s not real”
Just what the fuck.
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